Sunday Meandering

I don’t know why I’m scared to write. I think I’m scared of the computer.  That’s just because every time I open it I see that I have another hundred emails or Facebook messages that require some attention.  I’m already covered up with stuff to do even if I never answered another one.  And I don’t, in fact, get to answer them all.  I just sit around thinking how many people there are out there who must think I’m a complete asshole.  I wrote to Fanny Flag in the early 90’s and she didn’t write me back.  I still haven’t forgiven her.  That’s true, by the way… but for the few of you who have written me and asked me to pass on messages to Johnny Depp, I don’t know him.  That blog was satire, an homage of sorts to David Sedaris.  Plus it gave that woman an opportunity to tell me “you could be so much more relevant.”  I’ll probably never forget that.  Does that give you a little glimpse into my psyche?  I’ve had all these wonderful people write to me over the years and say such wonderful things, tell me how much I’ve helped them in their life and what do I remember?  A one line criticism.  I’m so embarrassed to admit it but I’m still so hurt by even the tiniest criticism.  Big, tough Marine huh?  Plus, I’m an artist and an activist.  Can there be another profession that opens you up to more criticism?  Maybe a politician but that’s a big “no thank you” for me.  They tried to get me to run in California.  I don’t have the requirement to be a politician.  I’m not willing to lie about my past or compromise on my principles.

It’s been a crazy weekend.  A friend of mine, after a period of not drinking or using drugs showed up on my doorstep lit up like a Christmas tree, all the while swearing that she hadn’t taken anything.  The most unnerving part of the whole thing is that I started to question my own insanity, even when she asked “Wasn’t there someone in the room with us just now?”  (We were completely alone.) And “Did you ever save that elephant?”  I have no idea what elephant she was talking about.  I got to say it’s pretty much put me on my ass, the whole fucking mess, a real kick in the teeth because I love her and I don’t want to want to watch her die.  I hate the disease of addiction.  I’ve seen it chew up and spit out so many good people.  Even in the ways it still manifests in my life; smoking, coffee, food, fasting, money shit, and looking at naughty pictures on the Internet, it’s still the thing that most stands in the way of my doing what I want to do in life.  But hey, at least I’m not loaded today, right?  And Sundays used to be BIG drinking days for me.  Hey, the sermons are oh so much more interesting if you’re smashed.

The picture is the tree off our back balcony.  On Tuesday we’re expecting our first snow of the season.

Love to all.

 


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