The Secret Behind “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”

FILTHY LANGUAGE WARNING! FILTHY LANGUAGE WARNING! FILTHY LANGUAGE WARNING!

I am so very sick of this Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell bullshit.  You want to know what the real story behind the story is?  (You’re going to think I’m crazy if you don’t already.)

I Timothy 6:10.  “The love of money is the root of all evil.”  Yep, you heard it here first folks.  To keep those poor ignorant Southerners voting for them, the bastards with all the money have to keep them voting blind, stupid and uneducated.  How else are my redneck brethren going to be trusted to keep on pulling that little elephant lever at the voting booth?  Time and time after time after time; poor working-class people will continue to vote against their own best interest because they are lead around by this bullshit “I’m a conservative” rhetoric and by-goddamn you can bomb Canada just get in there and make abortion legal so the practice can return to the bayou kitchen tables where it belongs and for fuck sake don’t let the queers think that their sick relationships deserve the same legal validation ours have and please, please, please don’t let the sixty-something THOUSAND queers who are already serving tell the truth about who they are to the motherfuckers they might die trying to save because you know why?  YOU KNOW WHY?  Because then Bubba’s going to go back to Tennessee and say, “You know what Jessie Mae?  I served in the Marines with one of them there queers and as it turns out he’z a purdy good Marine.  Did is job right good and never tried to make me suck his tally-whacker not even once!’  And you see Bubba and Jessie Mae are going to think juuuuust a little bit differently about us queer folk so the next time the wealthy elite in America count on stupid, poor, working class, rednecks to vote in ways that (in as many ways as possible) flood the wealthy elite’s pockets with cash maybe, just maybe they’ll say, “Fuck you, we’re tired of being your slaves.”  THAT’S the danger in our fine, brave, selfless, patriotic, hard-charging, courageous queer military folk being able to be honest about who they are and no matter how much those self-described conservatives whine and piss and moan that ain’t never gonna change.

In my six years in the Marine Corps I never, not one time heard a hot Marine say some disparaging thing about queers.  Anytime you ever hear (and I have to say it was rarer than you think), any Devildog talk about “I hope they don’t let them queers in here” or “Fag this that or the other” it was always, ALWAYS some ugly mo-fo with pimply skin and a fucked up grill that I wouldn’t fuck with your dick.  Hot straight Marines know who they are.  They’re confident and they’re not threatened because somebody else happens to like dick.  In fact (because I decided to stick the values and not the policy and I “told” my brothers the truth) I heard more than one of them say, “Hey bro, that’s just more pussy for me.  Which one of these shirts should I wear?”

Showers, showers, showers.  You’d think all people think Marines do is shower all day.  Any motherfucker who’s played a sport or worked out at a public gym has showered with a fag.  Sorry, but you have.  And no, it’s not like if you were showering with a chick.  Unless of course showering with chicks all your life like I’ve been showering with dudes.  Yes, I can get in the fricken shower with another hot Marine and spray the fucking sand out of my ass without wanting to fuck his.  The nature of our relationship is changed by the nature of our relationship.  When you’re serving together in that capacity, something shifts.  In the same way that I can see that my biological brother is an attractive man and, because he’s my brother never think about coming on to him… the same is possible for Marines.  And I’m not saying I never fucked another Marine.  I fucked plenty of them.  But we met out in town (where you’re supposed to be looking for ass) and not on the job.  Besides, what if he was shitty at it (and I know I’m not) and I had to have him follow me around the base all like, “Please Sir may I have another” and all that bullshit.  Same goes for my straight buddies.  If they happen to be stationed with female servicemembers my strong advice would be not to shit where you eat.  But you bet your ass that there are straight servicemembers in Iraq and Afghanistan fucking each other while I type this.  Oh yes there are too.  You know what?  There are also dudes fucking dudes and chicks fucking chicks and it’s always been that way and it’s always going to be that way and half the motherfuckers that are dudes and are fucking other dudes won’t go home and marry a dude.  Straight guys have been fucking each other in the military for centuries and none of your asinine little plans to get people in Alabama to vote for you are going to stop that.  You wanna tell me that all those men in prison fucking each other tonight were gay when they got there?  Hole-E-shit!  Men fuck each other.  Get over it.  If anything my being queer would make me fight HARDER to save the men I was stationed with.  One of the funniest things you’ll hear the assholes say is, “It will make the other Marines uncomfortable.”  UNCOMFORABLE?!  Well if that doesn’t prove that the high-ranking officer corps lives a different life than the lowly enlisted  do, then I don’t know what does.  UNCOMFORTABLE?  Goddamn that’s all we are is uncomfortable.  We PRIDE ourselves on withstanding all that discomfort.  If Marines are comfortable it makes them uncomfortable.  “Uncomfortable.”  Give me a fucking break.

What kind of asshole would join the military to get laid anyway?  I mean why would a guy (especially a guy who looks like me) enlist and risk going to some fucked-up jihadist dump to risk getting his dick shot off just in hopes of getting it sucked.  Trust me, I could get laid at the grocery store.  I didn’t have to join the Marines to get some.  Nobody (sane) joins the military to get laid. No matter what your recruiter promised you.

If fags were half as obsessed with men fucking each other as those “straight” Republicans are, that’s all we’d do is fuck.  Okay, you got me there.

What makes a good Marine?  You can get a lot of answers to that one.  To me, the Marine I want most serving beside me is one who can do their fucking job, one who can locate, close with and DESTROY the fucking enemy.  Do you doubt I can destroy the enemy?  Do you doubt that I would eat the fucking beating heart out of a fucking Nazi?  Do you think that for some reason I would be unwilling to take up arms against those domestic enemies of my constitution if need be?  You better not.  I’m a trained Marine and my oath was for life.  And if you think you can get away with all this grade school naughty-naughty sex bullshit that is GETTING IN THE WAY of the defense of my beloved nation, once again, you fucked with the wrong queer Marine.


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