The End of the Sonny Saga: Feet Start Walkin’

IMG_1146

And so ends the Sonny saga. Ultimately it didn’t work out with him and Phil, the sexy surgeon. He did go on to straighten out the things that weren’t working in his life and is now a successful architect in LA. One of the things that drew me to Sonny in the first place was that I could see what a wonderful father he would be and I always knew that I wanted kids. He’s been with his husband for many years now and they have two incredible children. It was in their home that Joe Biden had his “epiphany” about marriage equality. It’s amazing what real-life examples can do to melt the hardened heart. For all the sleepless nights I spent tossing and turning; filled with hurt, anger, and resentment; I can now say I have nothing but love for Sonny and, although we are no longer in one another’s lives, I am ridiculously proud of him and wish nothing but happiness for him and his beautiful family.

 

Sonny, you can breathe a sigh of relief. That is all of our old, smelly laundry I intend to air in public. Thank you for allowing me to share my story where it intersected with yours. I highly doubt your children read my blog but if they ever did, I know that you are a wonderful father. Good parents don’t pretend to their children that they never stumbled. Good parents teach their children how to get up when they do.

 

The important part:

I follow a four-column inventory process when working on my shit.

Column one is the person or persons at whom I have resentment.

Column two is the reason, the “what they did to me” that brought me to the place of resentment.

Column three is what it affected in me for example, my self-esteem, my sense of security, my finances.

Column four is my part in it.

 

Column four is where the “gold” is. The longer I’ve followed this format, the more I can see how quickly the first two columns become (mostly) irrelevant. If I am to move into the happy life I desire, it is only my awareness in what was affected in me and about my willingness to change those behaviors that were “my part” in how the resentment came to be.

 

In the case of my relationship with Sonny, “my part” was pretty dang big.

  • I wasn’t faithful to him. Rome wasn’t the last time I “strayed” and I had made a promise of monogamy to him.
  • With a commitment to lifetime partnership, I had also entered into a financial partnership and I acting in financially irresponsible ways. I let my fears drive me and instead of getting focused and into action, I continued to flounder around aimlessly in ways that must have felt very threatening to him.
  • When we argued, I was mean-spirited and attacked him in places where he had allowed himself to be vulnerable to me. As sorry as I am for my own infidelity, this is probably what I’m most sorry for. Gay men are not set up by this culture to find it easy to trust. I betrayed his in so many ways.

 

I’ve since made amends to Sonny for all the ways I hurt him. He did the same with me. The place where I failed is that I didn’t then take the information I should have gained from the whole experience and use it to become a better man. I can now see that if I had done that, some very important relationships that followed might have gone much better. This isn’t about beating myself up; it’s about taking an honest (if sometimes difficult and embarrassing) look at my past behaviors and striving to do better in the future.

 

 

 


About this entry