Into Action, Part II

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Okay, let me just bang this out. I’ve been sitting here paralyzed for a few minutes in anticipation of writing today’s blog. I’m stuck. I want to move forward and I’m coming up on an obstruction that, if I am to be completely honest, could well have guessed was there. It’s about the fear of doing the action items. No it’s not. It’s about the fear of destroying those who’ve hurt me– well, that and a big chunk of fear about doing the action items.  And the emotion that comes up when I get to this point is anger. And I have some justifiable reasons to be very, very angry. And there are few things more dangerous to a recovering alcoholic than justifiable anger. It’s a trap. And what I want to do right now is start firing from the hip, dump my ammunition, “spray and pray” (Marine-ism) and just destroy anybody who’s ever hurt me. God, the temptation is so very sweet and seductive. But in truth, that’s not going to get me any closer to my goals. In truth, if the goals I’ve listed are made manifest, I won’t give a fuck about the people who screwed me over. I’ll be too busy enjoying my life.

Deep breath. Pick up my pack. March forward.

With God’s help, I’m going to unfuck my life. The things that I have not been doing that I know I need to do to realize my goals, I have to start doing. The things I have been doing that stand in the way of my realizing my goals and dreams, I have to stop doing.  This ain’t rocket surgery folks. So what’s the problem? If I really do believe that those action items under each goal are going to bring the goals to fruition, why not just charge the hill, right? Okay, fair enough. But if it were that easy, why haven’t I done it before? Like I said I’ve been at this for a while. But I’m not giving up. I’m determined to make this work. (And open to the idea of new revelations along the way with regard to the process.)

So what keeps me from doing the things on the list? It’s fear. So I think to myself, “Well that’s fucking ridiculous, Marine. You were willing to put yourself in the middle of a combat zone for an objective you believed in, what the hell’s the deal with not wanting to sit in front of a computer for four hours each day and churn out some literature?” I’m relatively safe sitting here at the desk, right? No jihadist motherfuckers shooting at me today. Here’s the key: it doesn’t really feel that safe. In fact, writing feels the opposite of safe to me.  Tennessee Williams, one of my Ascended Masters called it “the terror of the white page in the typewriter.” It especially makes sense coming from him because of how he wrote. He wrote from a very personal point of view and some of his most vulnerable characters contained so much of him in them, he must have felt like he was parading naked in front of the world. I also write (as you may have noticed) from a very personal point of view. Tennessee Williams was ridiculed as a child. I was ridiculed as a child. He was a little faggot growing up in a relentlessly cruel South. was a little faggot growing up in a relentlessly cruel South.  Then he had the experience of being lauded for bringing all that pain and angst to the stage, indeed making Art out of it. I’ve had a taste of that myself and let me tell you it feels great. Especially after having felt, for most of my life, that I was unwelcome and unwanted (at least as I really was inside) by society at large– that kind of praise can feel like water after miles in the desert. (I know what this feels like too.) It’s not just about the praise either. When I have had someone privately share with me how much the play or the movie or my poetry or the blog has meant to them, it means the world to me. When they share a piece– wait a minute! I just said that if someone says how much the blog means to th– and– okay, maybe not so much the– well, yeah, the blog too. What the fuck? I am a bundle of contradictions. Forbidding something one minute and then talking about how much it means to me the next. I am insane.

It think my fear around people talking to me about the blog is about the fact that I know that if I engage everyone that wants to have a discussion about the blog and about their own journey, I’ll get sucked in and there won’t actually be time to do the things I have to do to see these goals be made manifest.  (I’m leaving God out of the discussion of the goals for now just because I feel like I need to discuss more about what that means to me before I keep throwing that word “God” around..) But if I’m to save my life in this– how many days left is it? 340. Sorry Stacey, just don’t read that part. So if I’m to use these 340 days to bring myself to a place which is essentially the opposite of where I was at the beginning of this month, I’m just not going to have time to engage in conversations about the blog and my process and other people’s processes. I’ll be dead in the water. I’m just starting to really realize how much codependency has a role is my recreating the same shit over and over. That’s shit has got to come to a screeching halt right-the-fuck-now!

Anyway, I got off track. (Amazing, huh?) I have to be very organized about this. The main reason is so that I don’t get lost in the process and lose sight of the goals. I hope this works. I think it will. I have faith it will. I want it to work so that the goals can come to fruition for me, but I also very much want it to work so that maybe others will be inspired to make similar changes in their life if they find themselves as unhappy as I did. I’d like it if everybody was happy. Other people’s happiness doesn’t cost me anything– not if it’s true happiness. I even want my enemies to be happy. If they were truly happy they wouldn’t be out hurting people any-goddamn-way.

Okay, so I’ll list the categories and goals one more time and then I’m going to extract the just the action items and make a daily checklist.

I. Emotional, Spiritual, Psychological
1. To live free of depression
-list ten things for which I am grateful EACH DAY
2. To live free of anxiety
-meditate ten minutes every morning and evening
3. To be true to my spiritual path
-read spiritual literature for ten minutes each morning
4. To be happy
-ask someone each day what I can do to help them be happy
5. To help people who suffer from PTSD and/or addiction
-go to at least three meetings per week where other people who are living in a better, healthier relationship to addiction and/or PTSD meet and talk about their experiences.

II. Health and Fitness
1. To love what I see in the mirror when I’m naked.
-to look in the mirror each day (naked) and tell that guy I love him
2. To be great at CrossFit
-go to CrossFit three times a week, every week
3. To look like MMA fighter… or a gladiator… or an NFL quarterback
-lift weights three times a week, every week
4. Perfect sexual health
-do a three month “reboot” program of total abstinence while I figure out what I want this area of my life to look like.
5. A body that serves me well in what I endeavor to do
-spend thirty minutes each day doing Mobility WOD

III. Sex and Relationships
1. To live free of codependency
-read Codependent No More
2. To use my sacred “NO” when doing something would impair my ability to be of service in the long run or would compromise my wellbeing in the present.
-to include in my evening inventory, one time when I said “no” when I usually would have said yes just to please someone else.
3. The right and perfect husband for me.
-for now, be true to my reboot
4. Be a good son, brother, uncle, etc.
-make a list of everyone’s birthdays
5. To let go of Adam.
-pray for him daily

IV. Career and Finance
1. $110K or more per month starting now and for the rest of my life.
-write for four hours each and every day
2. To live off 80% of my income this year, tithing 10% to where I’m spiritually fed and investing 10%. I want that percentage to shift by 10% annually until by 2020, to be living off 10% of my income and directing the rest to do good on the planet.
-start now on every penny that comes in, no matter how large or small the amount.
3. To be clear about my finances!
-start today and keep a record of every penny that comes in and every penny that goes out.
4. To write 25 movies, 10 TV shows, 25 plays, 5 novels, 5 non-fiction, and a poetry and short story anthology.
-write for four hours each day.
5. The Mehadi Foundation to grow and thrive providing help for Iraq and Afghanistan veterans in a multitude of ways, mostly through providing paid apprenticeships within the entertainment industry so that they can GET PAID for being creative and also to teach reliable and valid pure peer support techniques to this population of veterans.
-spend at least one hour each workday getting the website squared away, seeking funding, planning the future, and otherwise working toward the mission of the foundation.

DAILY CHECKLIST:
1) list ten things for which I am grateful EACH DAY

2) meditate ten minutes every morning and evening

3) read spiritual literature for ten minutes each morning

4) ask someone each day what I can do to help them be happy

5) go to at least three meetings per week where other people who are living in a better, healthier relationship to addiction and/or PTSD meet and talk about their experiences.
6) to look in the mirror each day (naked) and tell that guy I love him

7) go to CrossFit three times a week, every week

8) lift weights three times a week, every week

9) do a three month “reboot” program of total abstinence while I figure out what I want this area of my life to look like.

10) spend thirty minutes each day doing Mobility WOD

11) read Codependent No More

12) to include in my evening inventory, one time when I said “no” when I usually would have said yes just to please someone else.

13) for now, be true to my reboot

14) make a list of everyone’s birthdays

15) pray for Adam Nelson daily

16) write for four hours each and every day

17) start now on every penny that comes in, no matter how large or small the amount.

18) start today and keep a record of every penny that comes in and every penny that goes out.

19) write for four hours each day.

20) spend at least one hour each workday getting the website squared away, seeking funding, planning the future, and otherwise working toward the mission of the  Mehadi Foundation.

I’ll look at this list each morning and keep it with me throughout the day. At night, I’ll do an inventory of my day which includes checking the list again. On the following day’s blog, I’ll include the list for previous day with a red check my the items I did.

Thanks for helping me stay accountable. I know how another reason to pull this off. But that reason has to stay secret for now.

See y’all tomorrow.


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