Into Action, Part 7- Would It Help if I Starve?

Photo on 10-10-14 at 7.14 PM #2

So here again are my revised goals.

These are my real goals:

  1. I live in a beautiful warehouse apartment in New York City.
  2. I weight 260 lbs and have 15% body fat.
  3. I lift or do CrossFit six days per week.
  4. I write for four hours every day.
  5. I have written 25 movies, 10 TV shows, 25 plays, 5 novels, 5 non-fiction books, a book of poetry and a short story anthology.
  6. I am married to the man of my dreams.
  7. We have three sons.
  8. I make $110K or more every month.
  9. I live off 10% of my income and direct the rest to do good on the planet.
  10. I head a very successful non-profit that teaches Pure Peer Support techniques at weekend retreats, sponsors creativity workshops, and offers paid internships in projects we produce to Iraq and Afghanistan veterans helping them to find work that fulfills them inside the entertainment industry. It has a big, beautiful workspace and headquarters in New York City.

Whether you think so or not, I find them to be much more suitable. The main reason is, when I read over them this morning (as I intend to do every day) I was awash with a feeling of contentment and joy. Yes, knowing that I had shared them publicly, I was aware of my fear of judgment that started to come up– what would “they” (you) think of my goals? I see this as a good thing– not that I have fear of judgment around my goals but that I am aware of it. I get to look at where it comes from. When was fear of others’ judgment installed in my operating system? How has it affected my success (or lack of it) in the past? In the past, if I knew I were going to be expected to publicly share a list of goals, I would have made sure the list of full of a bunch of Mother Theresa-ish shit so that you wouldn’t think I was a greedy and selfish person.  In fact, irrespective of what you think, if I am to be honest (and I hope that I always will be), I have to be aware of my judgement of my own goals. My own psychology which I bring to this process is complicated and is made up of a lot of different components. Suffice it to say that my belief system around “having” is multifaceted and was created by a multitude of different contributing thoughts and ideals. They came from a lot of different sources and some, probably, from who I “essentially” am as a person (if there is such a thing).  I hope that all didn’t get too convoluted to understand. Basically, one of the biggest problems I’ve had with setting goals and achieving them, goals that would lead to an “abundant life” for me has to do with seeing those who do not have. How in the fuck can I think it would be okay for me to have “a beautiful warehouse apartment in New York City” (especially given what that will cost) when there are 4000 hungry children dying each hour on this planet from hunger related causes!?

Let me tell you a story. It’s a story about a story that my mother likes to tell. There is a sweet woman who lives here in Walker County who is just a little bit younger than me. Her parents were friends with my parents since before we were born. She has faced the challenges of spina bifid a her entire life but hasn’t let that stop her from living a full live and doing a lot to help animals in need. Anyway, when we were little kids, my mom would take me over and we would visit. When we got to toddler age, she couldn’t really toddle because of her condition. She’d pull herself around with her hands which to me shows how resilient she (and we as a species) can be. Because she would get her little dresses dirty, her mom would cut the tops off of boxes so she could sit in them and pull herself around without getting dirty. Here’s the deal– when we would go over there, even though I had started to walk already, I wouldn’t walk in front of my friend! I would just get down on the floor and perambulate myself around with my arms like she was.  Her mom even cut up a box for me! Now who knows what was going on in my brian; I could have just been doing what she was doing because I thought that’s what we were doing. But when my mom tells the story, she does so as an example of how empathetic I’ve always been and how I didn’t want my friend to feel bad because she couldn’t walk. I appreciate the sentiment on my mom’s part but I’ve thought long and hard about this story and if it does say something about my essential nature, what exactly is it saying? It does make a lot of sense to me that I might have been doing it so my friend wouldn’t feel bad that she couldn’t walk but was that really what was serving both of us? If I would have stood up and walked like I could, perhaps I could have reached the toys on the table for us– or done whatever being more mobile might have done  for us. Do you see my point? All my life, if I knew someone didn’t have money, I felt guilty if I did. If someone was hungry, I felt guilty for eating. If someone was lonely, I felt guilty if I could get a date– and on and on and on. I’m not stupid (some might argue that fact) I can see how my not having is not really helping anyone else have. In fact, giving my history, if I were to thrive and flourish, I might become an incredible example of how someone can go from having gone through a lot of shit to living a really abundant life. Also, I don’t want to discount the incredible abundance I have already. Just the fact that I’m sting here on this ridiculously comfortable Temperedic mattress with plenty of food in the fridge (thanks Mom), protected from the thunderstorm that’s raging outside, and able to go to the tap for clean drinking water means I am so much more fortunate than many people in the world. I’m grateful for what I have. And I want to see the things on my goals list come to fruition.

There are a lot of programming flaws that have worked their way into my psyche around many issues including money. I just touched on this one little bit of one here so I could call it out as it was occurring.

I acknowledge that I have guilt and shame around my goals and that I am overly concerned with what others will think of them. I am, nevertheless, choosing to stand unapologetically by them I WILL SEE THESE DREAMS COME TRUE! I am willing to sit with the discomfort until it passes and my intention is to move forward even while still working through the feelings that have historically held me back. 

I promised you that today I would tell you the truth about God and when I said that I had actually imagined giving you a lengthy treatise on my belief system and how it came to be. I promise this is no “bait and switch” but I’m choosing to forego that for now. The reason I had been pulled to do so is that when I use the word “God” you’d have a clearer idea of what I mean instead of jumping (understandably so) to the conclusion that you know exactly what I mean when I say it. For now, let’s just say that I have HUGE problems with a lot of what I’ve heard about the nature of God in this lifetime. Yet, my life is worthless and catastrophic when I am living in the illusion of disconnection from the Creative Force from which I come. In fact, now that I’m typing that, I imagine that that is exactly where I had gotten to on the first of last month when I decided to end it all. Although I am probably most proud of my tenacity (I absolutely refuse to give up) and I am very willing to do the work, I believe complete reliance on myself for what I need has lead me to spiritual bankruptcy. If I am going to be able to move forward with this process. God is going to have to help me. I will suit up and show up know that, as has happened so many times in my life, God will step in with surprising and incredibly powerful help even when I might not be looking for it.  Jesus is quoted as saying, “Of myself I am nothing, it is the Father within that does the work.” If the water walker can say that, who am I to think I can do this on my own?

Okay, that’s all I’m going to say about God right now, I swear. (“Swear not, let your yeas be yeas and your… yadayada”) I’ll come back to the subject because I want you to know me better and that’s a huge part of who I am. For now, I’m going to repeat my goals. I’m going to read them out loud; imagine my voice saying them. Would you be willing to read them out loud too? Pray with me if you’re the praying sort, if not, please just hold my goals in your good thoughts. All I would ask is that you don’t bring any doubt to the mix. If you can’t believe with me, just go watch some mindless TV or something and think about something other than my goals. They are coming true.

  • I live in a beautiful warehouse apartment in New York City.
  • I weight 260 lbs and have 15% body fat.
  • I lift or do CrossFit six days per week.
  • I write for four hours every day.
  • I have written 25 movies, 10 TV shows, 25 plays, 5 novels, 5 non-fiction books, a book of poetry and a short story anthology.
  • I am married to the man of my dreams.
  • We have three sons.
  • I make $110K or more every month.
  • I live off 10% of my income and direct the rest to do good on the planet.
  • I head a very successful non-profit that teaches Pure Peer Support techniques to Iraq and Afghanistan veterans at weekend retreats, we sponsor creativity workshops for this population of vets, and we offer paid internships in projects we produce helping the vets to find work that fulfills them inside the entertainment industry. It has a big, beautiful workspace and headquarters in New York City.

For the next several episodes in the “Into Action” series, I’ll be talking in more detail about each goal and letting you know what Action Items I’m doing each day to see the manifestation of each.

Thanks for your support.

See y’all tomorrow.


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