A Plug for Violence and Non-alcoholic Beer


Hello Maties! I’m hittin’ ye up from the Brooklyn Public House where I’ve just gobbled down a tasty cheeseburger, with skinny “chips” and a Beck’s non-alcoholic beer. I drink non-alcoholic beer because I’m not. There are some sober alcoholics who freak out when they find out I drink the stuff because it actually has up to a half of one percent alcohol. Guess what else does— orange juice! They’ll sit there judging me tossing back their virgin screwdrivers. Fuck those judges. I hate judges. Except Sotomayor— she’s au-ight. When a sober alco— Oh! Guess what else I do. I gargle with real Listerine— and I used to actually drink that! Smooch (my longtime friend and college roommate) used to have to hide his mouthwash so I wouldn’t drink it. Can you imagine? But yeah, fuck those sober alcoholics who drink orange juice and judge me for drinking fake beers. They’ll say, “But it tastes like beer! It might tempt you!” I’ve been drinking them for 17+ years of continuous sobriety and I’ve never been tempted to drink the real thing.  I probably wouldn’t recommend it for someone who’s newly sober but, y’know. I’m more tempted to eat a whole bunch of painkillers when I hear people try to manage someone else’s sobriety. It wouldn’t stop them from being a bunch of nagging bitches but I wouldn’t really care what the fuck they were saying. It doesn’t happen that much anymore because I think word has gotten— a Maserati just passed on the street outside. I want a Maserati. And yes, I want to get it up to 185. Hopefully I won’t loose my license. And if I do, I’ll still drive. Fuck the police. So yeah, those sober alcoholics who bitch about my drinking non-alco— did you notice that? “My drinking” as opposed to “me drinking.” Americans fuck that up all the time. One is supposed to use the possessive before a gerund. You know another one Americans fuck up all the time? They use the wrong first person pronoun in a compound object! It drives me fucking nuts! They’ll say something like, “He walked over to Jenny and I.” Jesus! It’s “Jenny and ME!” The way you figure it out if you have trouble is take the other party out of the compound object. You wouldn’t say, “He walked over to I!” You’d say, “He walked over to ME!” So you should say, “He walked over to Jenny and me.” I think most people think “I” sounds more proper so they go to it as a default. Stupid! About as stupid as those sober alcoho— oh right, I was telling you about that! So I think word has gotten around because I haven’t had a sober alcoholic chastise me for drinking non-alcoholic beer in a while. I’m usually an advocate for non-violent conflict resolution but this is example makes a clear argument against it because “the word” that’s gotten around, “the word” to which I was referring is that I simply took to laying a right hook upside the jaw of any sober alcoholic whom I suspected was about to— did you catch that? “Whom.” Once again the objective case. Maybe it’s just objects that Americans have trouble with. How’s that for a double entendre? (No risqué connotations here though. Just a jab at Capitalism.) How’s that for hypocrisy too?! Here I am talking about grammar and using all these sentence fragments and dashes here and there— to make my writing more conversational is the intent. I figure if you read these out loud it would kind of sound like it would if I was just sitting across the table from you having a couple of non-alcoholic beers and talking. Especially if you affected your voice to make it read deep— and Southern— but not obnoxiously Southern— just subtly. My Southern accent is 1) disappearing and 2) subtle. So I figure word got around among sober alcoholics and they’ve been telling each other, “Hey, if you tell Jeff Key he shouldn’t be drinking non-alcoholic beers, he’ll fucking lay you out cold!” And it seems to have worked because I don’t hear that shit anymore so that’s why I say that apparently violence is the answer which sort of fucks up my whole new-and-improved, post-war life philosophy.

So do you know what a “Public House” is? It’s a term for a drinking establishment that is open to the public— as opposed to a private house or club. It comes from cultures from countries that now make up the UK but from long before they were the UK. The term “pub,” comes from “public house.” Did you know that?

See y’all tomorrow.

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