A Need For Radical Self-care

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Back, finally, at home and kicking it (naked) on the bed there are all the bugs in here who were in here before I closed the open windows and turned on the air conditioner because I want it to be colder in here than it is outside and I’m not really in the mood to be kissed by bugs all night anyway. No, we ain’t got no screens on the windows no more.

Determined to stay true to my commitment to daily blogging I set the timer for ten minuets and decide not to have and agenda or a plan tonight but to just plow forward. Write something, write anything. If I fail at whatever this thing is I’m trying to do, this life thing, I want them to say, “Well at least the poor bastard plugged away until the end and he died writing.”

There’s the temptation to give you the blow-by-blow of the events of the past week but you wouldn’t believe them anyway. And I’m choosing to focus on the positives. And if I found out I was dying tomorrow, if I knew that tomorrow was the last day, the person I’d really want to see is Adam. Isn’t that fucked up? Maybe. Or maybe that Jeff Key was a radical lover and gave his love in a radical way when he gave it. Maybe those of us who love completely are few.

Mom is in Auburn with Chad’s family until the weekend. Then she’ll come back here and we’ll prepare her for surgery next Tuesday. Her surgery was supposed to be today but it got postponed because she fell on Friday and fractured her pelvis. Effemell!

I have to work through my anger and resentment toward Mom for not taking care of herself up until now because actually now it really doesn’t matter does it? We are where we are and I have to deal with it. I’m not going to punish her for the choices she made. I’ll just regret that later if I do. Plus that’s not in my nature. She is my wife after all, er, I mean mother.

I remember 20+ years ago when I’d have one of those horrendous hangovers that was the result of a several-days’ binge. My psychic condition would be in such disarray, I’d actually fear for my sanity. I’d just say to myself, “Just keep it in the road buddy; keep it between the lines.” I wouldn’t be driving when I’d say this. I was talking about my mind. I would even try not to think too complicated thoughts. I’d watch children’s television or movies. I’d eat macaroni and cheese. I’d literally have to focus to be able to feel like I was going to be able to stay sane.

Sans the substance, I’ve actually had a few of those moments over the past few days. Tomorrow I am going to stay home all day, burn white sage, make prayers ties, meditate, and take it very, very, very, easy. There is need for triage. There is need for radical self-care or it is not going to turn out well for the old man.

Please keep my mom, our family, and me in your prayers and good thoughts. We’ll get through all this. It’s just a rough time for us.

See y’all tomorrow.


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