A God Too Small

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Frankly, I’m just too tired to wax philosophical or share any great wisdom I might pretend that these past few days have brought me. I’m grateful for the incredible outpouring of love and support my family and I have received following the death of my mother’s body. Although I used to poke fun at some of the rituals we have around death, I also can see their purpose and am grateful for them, not only for the ways in which they help us start to contextualize what has happened but also because they keep us so busy in the immediate wake of a loved one’s passing to the other side. Had I been expected to sit idle, I might have died of heartbreak.

My mother is with me. I have no doubt of it. I feel her presence. Most all of us speak the language of the idea of eternal life, of life after death, as is our cultural norm. I have often doubted it. “Just a way for people to feel better,” I’d say. But now I know with great surety that although over the past almost fifty years I’ve been lead to believe that when I saw that body animated and speaking to me I was seeing my mother, I was wrong. That which I know as my mother merely used that corporal vessel; the spiritual being whom I truly love has no more use of it.

My dear, dear friend and spiritual mentor King, who has been in deep prayer and fasting for several days corrected me today when I say that we had “made her look so beautiful for the funeral.” “That wasn’t her,” he said. And he is right.

While I’m sure it may cause some confusion, I am averse to speaking of her in the past tense. She lives on, together with the creative and all-encompassing energy we call God– a God who is big enough to have been able to absorb my doubt and my questioning over the years, God who created me just as I am, to think and to challenge. A blind faith based on “somebody told me so,” simply isn’t good enough for me. It wasn’t good enough for my mother. A faith that cannot withstand challenging is a weak faith and I want no part of it. Such a God would be too small to help me navigate this inordinate amount of grief. I’m grateful my God is not that small.

See y’all tomorrow.


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