Imagined Mint Julep Welcome

I had a shower and neated my beard. There are Mardis Gras parties to attend to today. I rehearse my entry as I often do before I’m going into a social situation like that. I imagine we walk in the front door and Jim introduces me to our host, a lesbian Tallulah Bankhead. She throws her arms around me and says, “Oh dahling, any family of Jim and Richard’s is family of mine! You can have anything in the world you want to drink! What would like?” Having rehearsed and wanting very badly to impress this impressive lady, the lesbian Tallulah Bankhead, I say (in my thickest Deep South planter/lawyer/author dialect), “Well what I would really love is to drink a kiss from those sweet lips but failing that I would prefer the best Mint Julep I’ve ever put to my lips.” She looks incredulous and a bit disgusted, “Drink from my lips? That’s sort of gross, don’t you think?” My witty (and prepared) statement falls flat and Lesbian Tallulah Bankhead, not willing to share one foot-candle of spotlight with this upstart, takes me by the shoulder and hands me off, at the kitchen door, to weird cousin Ricky. “Ricky!” she trumpets, “Take this boy and get him the best Mint Julep he’s ever put to his lips.” As she spins to exit and return to her adoring crowd, she throws back over her shoulder, “And make him make it himself.”
And then she winks at me. And I know I’m in.img_1505


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