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I’m forcing myself to write this blog. I definitely don’t want to do it which is the main reason I should, other than that I said I would. I said I would write one daily. I’m so full of shit.
News of soldier’s death in Afghanistan and another in Ohio at his own hand has me all fucked up. That and a list of a hundred other things. (That’s not hyperbole.)
If you ever hear that I killed myself, you should start looking for the murderer—or know that I took complete leave of my senses. I’ve seen the shock waves it sends through the veterans/military community. I’m sticking around to see how this turns out. I can’t let Trump outlive me. I’m going to take myself out to a nice dinner to celebrate on the day he dies. I actually don’t hate him. I just long for the day when he can no longer hurt people. Perhaps it would be a good idea for me to take a day without news. Or Facebook. Every time I see that one of my Facebook “friends” has posted something pro-Trump it inspires me to wrath. My God, how can people be so goddamned stupid?
I wish I could have done a better job as a peace activist and that soldier who died in Afghanistan hadn’t been there. I wish I could have met that veteran in Ohio. I wish I had known what to say to him to give him hope. My grandmother used to say “wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up the fastest.” Doing something is superior to wishing you had done something earlier. Depression make the doing harder.
Today has been a day of walking from room to room. I want to take a shower but I haven’t made it in there yet. It’s almost 5pm. I need to go to the grocery store but I just can’t face it. Supper is a can of pork and beans. There are many who don’t have that. I should be grateful. The cats are sitting nearby. I pretend they are praying for me, or doing some kind of feline spiritual medicine. Even if they are just holding a space for me while I heal (which I most assuredly am going to do) it makes me feel good to have them near. I’m lonely and don’t want to see anyone or talk to anybody.
I’ll go to the VA tomorrow morning to have them put on another halter heart monitor for me to wear for the following twenty-four hours. If the medication (and some positive lifestyle changes) doesn’t put my heart back into sinus rhythm, he wants cardiovert me with electricity. To do that, I’d need to be on anticoagulants for six weeks before. That’s a long time to wait. The atrial fibrillation is uncomfortable (feels like fear) but the atrial flutter is what has my doctor more concerned because when my heart is beating at that rate  (usually in the 150s) my heart doesn’t get a chance to empty of blood with each beat. That’s when clotting happens. He said if a clot let go in my heart and went to my body, I’d likely never even know it. If it goes to my brain however—well that’s when he used the “s word” and my face is way too pretty for me to go around looking like Dali painted me. Humor coming back. That’s a good sign. Writing works.  The pen (or in this case the keyboard) has kept me from swallowing a bullet many a time since I came back from Iraq.
One of the things they think precipitated all of this heart stuff is that I have something wrong in my GI track. I self-diagnosed that I have a stricture of some sort. My cardiologist agreed with me. To find out, they’ll put me to sleep and stick a camera down my throat and if it is a stricture, they’ll balloon it out sort of like they  do with arteries. If I was on anticoagulants when they did that I could bleed to death internally so we have to get that fixed before we can put me on the thinners for six weeks before they hook me up to the jumper cables. I’m ready for this to be done. I’m ready to be healthy again and I will. I’m going to do what they tell me, stay informed, and get back to eating a bit healthier (so hard living in New Orleans) and get back to the gym. I think I can yet be useful here but when it’s my time, I’m ready and I’m not at all afraid to die. I hope it doesn’t hurt too much.
I met a man the other day. He hit me up on Scruff (gay dating/hookup app). He was nice enough to invite me to his hotel room and I was nice enough to give him a proper New Orleans welcome. When it came time for him to check out, he suggested we go to lunch and we did. He’s beautiful and smart and we have a few things in common. One thing we don’t have in common—who we voted for in the last presidential election. He hates Hillary Clinton so much he actually voted to put a Republican in the White House! After how the GOP has fought on the wrong side of ever single issue important to queer folk, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, marriage equality, adoption rights, their persecution of trans people, the list goes on ad infinitum, how does a gay man vote against himself like that? That’s like Jews for Hitler. I just can’t be made to understand. Anyway, he came closer that most. I broke the news to him today. It was hard and sad. That and health shit and those dead soldiers have made for a pretty dark day. It’s 1800 now so the great news is it’s almost over and tomorrow is another day.

Thanks for letting me get all that off my chest. Perhaps the ticker will tick better with part of that burden lifted. For that, I thank you.

Apologies if today’s blog was a downer. I promise to be back to my witty and thoughtful self tomorrow.


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